Happy Anniversary to Me (2 months late)

In a few days time I will be the proud owner of this!! I started saving for a digital SLR camera last Christmas and when our anniversary came this year my wonderful husband told me he would cover the difference. It only took me 2 months to pick out the camera I wanted. I wrestled between the Nikon D40 & D40x and the Canon XTi Rebel. I did tons of research, weighed my options, went back and forth then finally in the 11th hour the Canon won out. I chose the Canon because it is the better camera between the 3 and it costs less. Besides, with the Nikon I would be pretty limited where lenses are concerned. I already own the film version of the Canon Rebel and will be able to use the great lens I already own with it. The only draw back I see is the Canon uses a compact flash drive where the SD drive is pretty much the norm. For years I was against digital cameras because film cameras produce better pictures. Now I know I will get great pictures with the digital and it makes storing and choosing the pictures to keep or get rid of so much easier. I am so excited to get started. Too bad I didn’t make up my mind sooner for my brother’s wedding this weekend.

Happy New Year!!

What will 2008 bring? It’s going to be a year of change and all I can say is bring it on. I get to leave my highly stressful job on 1/24 and it won’t be soon enough. After that the future is uncertain and for once my obsessive-compulsive, perfectionist self is at peace. I look forward to another chapter in my life’s journey.

Year in Review

Every year Dave Barry does a Year in Review. I decided to do one too only mine isn’t nearly as wittily crafted. Since time was so elusive for me this year I wanted to remember the things that happened in my life. I meant to write more often but the unimportant things constantly got in the way. I am always amazed that the years go by so quickly and yet so much happens.

January
…started off with a bang. Instead of eating the traditional corned beef, cabbage, and black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day, I feasted on Gatorade, Sprite, Jello (not red or purple though) and lovely Halflytely Bowel Prep solution. January 2 brought a colonoscopy to check for signs of Ulcerative Colitis which I was diagnosed through blood test the previous October. I was told I was much to young to be there to which I responded, “all right, can I go home then?” No such luck. I started to wake up during the procedure and recalled a very unpleasant sensation down below and voices saying to knock me back out. After coming back to earth, I received wonderful pictures of my innards as the doctor explained everything to me and my husband as my mind wandered. She told me everything looked good and I wasn’t currently showing signs of Ulcerative Colitis. The first words out of my dopey mouth were, “OK, can I try to get pregnant now?” She told me she wanted to do an upper GI series so coming off my BCP would have to wait a few more weeks. At the end of January I quit my BCP.

February
…was fairly uneventful, I mean how can you top a colonoscopy? We visited my younger brother, sister-in-law, and nephew up north for my nephew’s first birthday. Their small town hadn’t changed at all since we were last there for their wedding the previous year.

March
…marked 10 years of togetherness for Brandon and I. Later we ventured to the hill country for a family camp out.

April
…my partner in crime at work left me for greener pastures. I was tossed around from office to office. I was ignored. Then they realized how much work she actually did, realized they couldn’t keep up and stayed permanently in panic mode. My mood started to dip.

May
…I realized that I needed help to get out of the disaster that was becoming my life. I researched counselors while all I really wanted to do was crawl in a hole. I found sympathetic friends who understood what I was going through. We flew out to Phoenix to visit my older brother and his family. It was a welcome distraction and then back to my crap-tastic life.

June
…I started counseling. She told me to see my doctor. My doctor put me on drugs. (Yippee!!) I bared my soul. I learned that I needn’t call my self stupid.

July
…I paid off my student loans 5 years early, I was no longer a slave. It was cooler than usual. It rained a lot, which was nice. Our bills were cheaper and the weather matched my moods. I was starting to feel better, I no longer begged for God to take me home.

August
…after spending a good deal of money fixing something on his 1990 truck, my husband killed it on the way back from picking it up. Somehow as the coolant exited as he drove the short trip back. His truck overheated and he blew the head gasket. I was glad to get rid of the POS although we planned to replace it in October and not August. Weeks of searching for a new (used) car ensued as we took turns driving each other to work in the opposite direction each day. My other younger brother got engaged.

September
…we were still searching for a car. We finally found a 2002 in good condition and paid cash for it. This brought lectures on how we should have taken out a loan and invested the money we spent instead. (Talk about Stupid Tax) This really brought Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover into perspective. He said people would think us crazy and he was right.

October
…I came to the startling realization that I needed to quit my job. I wasn’t getting anything out of my job except for endless hours of banging my head against the wall and stress. I made plans for a departure at the end of the year. I needed to take a sabbatical and seek God’s direction in my life. Surprisingly this left me feeling strangely optimistic (clearly the Lord at work) instead of the trepidation I felt months earlier when I “knew” I was stuck where I was and couldn’t quit my job without having another lined up. I also informed my counselor and my doctor that I was quitting my antidepressants. My partner in crime who left for greener pastures decided to return from said greener pastures for a much higher salary. I questioned her sanity.

November
…brought the start of the preparation for the hectic holiday season. My older brother who in years past always waited until Christmas Eve to do all of his shopping informed bragged to me that he was almost finished with his Christmas shopping. We attended our couple friend’s destination outdoor wedding which turned out to be rainy and nearly freezing. We were of course attacked by the “pregnancy paparazzi” all weekend. The house we shared with another couple and college friends (mind we have all been out for years now) turned into an all night frat party complete with booze, stripping, and guys banging on my door in the wee hours. I got lots of sheepish I’m sorries from my husband who had assured me when making the arrangements that his buddies had all grown up now. Apparently they never do.

December
…I announced to the head of my department that I was leaving for personal reasons. Everyone thought it was a huge joke. I later found out that my boss was let go that same day because her husband who also works with us announced he was leaving to work for a competitor. Seeing as we had been in panic mode since April, it was now stepped up a notch. I told them I would leave in January to give them adequate time to replace all of us. I was subjected to horrible group sales meetings in a clear attempt to motivate me and show me all the excitement I would be missing if I left; all of the “oh-we-are-just-too-busy-Rachel-is-faster-just-give-it-to-her-even-
though-it-isn’t-her-work-and-she-is-overloaded-too,” extra work; the hours of working late so I couldn’t even attempt to do Christmas shopping; and keeping up with my extra-curricular holiday obligations. Luckily our company shuts down between Christmas and New Year’s and I was told the Friday before Christmas that if I finished all of my work I could go early. Even more fortunately my counterparts in the eastern office had their lines of communication go down, so before they could send me anymore of their BS work I hightailed it out of there. The weekend before I spent helping everyone else get ready for all the festivities. Christmas found us united with my brothers who live out of town and a week jam-packed with family togetherness.

And now on this last day of the year I am sitting peacefully relaxing with my wonderful husband with no commitments and no where to be but right here. The year has had it’s ups and downs. I have laughed and cried and I have learned. 2008 is a year of change for me. I’m starting the year by finally taking some time for myself. I am going to seek God’s direction and purpose for my life. I am excited for the possibilities. Who knows what the year will bring for us? A career change? More growth? A new title of mommy? Bring it on!

I Did It…

I Quit my job!!!!

The Dark Side of Me

This is a post that I have been working on for some time. Admitting that I was depressed was very difficult for me. In hindsight I don’t even know why because it definitely isn’t something to be embarrassed about. Everyone goes through depression at one point of their life or another. Anyone who says otherwise is, well, in denial.It was about May that I felt like I was losing control. I didn’t cry all of the time or stay in a dark room. My mind was constantly going, I would go over and over things in my head to the point of exhaustion. I was physically exhausted all the time. Work became overwhelming, being a “good” wife became overwhelming. I started to ignore all of my friends and family, I stopped talking honestly with my husband. Nobody could understand me, what was the point. I remember closing the door of my office several times to break down in tears hysterically, telling God that I just couldn’t handle it all and begging to please, please, please take me home. At some point I thought that maybe I needed to seek professional help, I still didn’t think I was depressed but finding a counselor to talk to couldn’t hurt me, right? The next step of trying to find someone to talk to while I wanted to crawl into the deepest and darkest hole was difficult to say the least. I shared with Rachel that I thought I needed help, he looked weary and told me if that was what I needed that he supported me. I felt he didn’t understand me at all.Some time during my search I received a phone call from a good friend that I hadn’t talked to in a while. My life had been so busy, hers had been busy, no excuse was a good excuse. She commented that something sounded very wrong with me. On the phone I had always tried to be pleasant and not give away that I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, but she could tell. So I spilled out everything that I was going through. She told me I sounded depressed and that she had gone through some rough times herself. It was this more than anything that convinced me I needed to get some help sooner than later.

I found a counselor and kept convincing myself that she would tell me that I was wasting her time, I was so nervous about it. I found the thought of sharing everything with a total stranger difficult. She was pleasant and asked me a few question, why I was there, what I wanted to accomplish, what was going on in my life. She then told me I physically looked depressed, my facial expression, my body language. She wanted me to take the Beck Inventory. I ended up scoring pretty high so she suggested that I make an appointment with my physician to discuss possible going on anti-depressants. I stomach sank, anti-depressants, I couldn’t take those.

I made the appointment anyway. I was slightly amused that when I called to make an appointment with my very popular doctor that she didn’t have available appointments until at least 2 months from then. They then asked the nature of my call and I told them. Obviously the D-word is a magic word as they quickly transferred me to one of her nurses who worked me in for 2 days hence.

I brought my Beck Inventory with me and she asked me what seemed like hundreds of questions about what was going on in my life and what brought me to her. I told her it was the recommendation of my counselor. She told me she was very happy that I was seeking counseling and not just a quick fix. Judging by my answers she decided I was suffering from anxiety and depression. She wanted to prescribe and anti-depressant that also works with anxiety, and she prescribed exercise. She wanted me to wear out my body as much as my mind was worn out so that I would be able to get good sleep. I told her I was weary of going on anti-depressants. She told me about all the side-effects and that I likely wouldn’t have to use it indefinitely. I left with my RX and cried the whole way home.

To be continued….

The Art of Restraint

There have been few instances in my life where I have needed to use restraint. This evening was one of those times. Whenever I get home in the evenings, I park near my apartment on the edge of the complex and walk towards the center to get my mail. Tonight was no different.As I walked towards the steps leading to the hallway where the mailboxes are located, a car came barreling through the front gate apparently in pursuit of the handicapped loading zone that I was walking across. This “lovely individual” wanted to park her car there because she is too lazy to park a few feet away in a real space.I continued on and was pulling the last of my mail out when this “lovely individual” walked up and in all of her older, much wiser glory said, “Do you have any idea how close I came to hitting you just now, literally?” I glanced up at her a bit incredulously, glad my hands were occupied by mail and keys. I clamped down hard on my tongue because the first thing that came to mind was, “Do YOU realize how close I am to hitting you right now, literally?” I am definitely not violent, I would never even think of hitting someone else, tonight I came close. But I am also able to slay with my tongue. The next thing that popped into my head was, “Is the reason that you had to have the handicapped spot because you are blind?” It was growing dark outside but I wasn’t dressed in all black, in fact I had khaki pants on and was carrying a rather large white tote bag on my shoulder that was facing toward the gate.

At that point I figured there was nothing productive (or polite) that I could have said to her so I shut my mailbox, turned on my heal and walk right by her. As I round the corner I heard her murmur, “That’s right, keep on walking.” OOO mean things in me were fighting to come out but I just kept on walking. I realize that it isn’t very polite to ignore someone but in this case I had to bite my tongue like nobody’s business.

One consolation was that Brandon said he was proud of me for not rising and that he doesn’t know that he could have held his tongue. At least my husband loves me.

All Saints Day

Song of the Saints

Tell the loved ones we are safe now.
Tell them we have no more pain.
Do not hurry heaven’s journey,
but do not fear it just the same.

All will go through times of grieving,
every tear must be released;
but live a tribute to our memory,
heal you pain with holy peace.

For our faith was never futile
as we trusted in the Lord;
every word now has been proven:
all we knew and even more.

Every promise Christ has given
through our voyage was proven true.
Christ prepared for us a mansion
and a mansion waits for you.

So do not faint from earthly challenge,
hold your faith and live it strong.
Years on earth are but a moment,
days in heaven go on and on.

Years on earth are but a moment,
days in heaven go on and on.

-Pepper Choplin 2002

I have sung this song twice now and think the message here is powerful and meaningful. I can’t hear this song or read these words without feeling great joy. Today I honor all of those who have gone before me. Some have touched my life directly, some indirectly, and some not at all. But every person has meaning somehow, someway while they are here on earth. They have all made a contribution no matter how great or how small. And I know they are all smiling down on us as they wait to welcome us home.

Mischief Managed!

Brandon’s co-workers decided to dress up and have a costume contest for Halloween. At work they have nicknamed him “Harry” because he bears a slight resemblance to Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter. He even has one thing in common with Harry that Daniel Radcliffe does not, green eyes. He figured he wouldn’t disappoint his co-workers. He seems to love to wait until the last minute for everything and this was also no exception. Yesterday evening he went around to a party store (jam-packed of course) for face paint, hair dye spray, and a robe. He wasn’t able to find the robe after looking there and a few other places so he decided to just where a hooded sweatshirt. He also stopped at a home improvement store to get a dowel, duck tape, and electrical tape. He then stopped at an office supply to get laminating strips.When he got home I decided to take on the challenge of fashioning him a wand. I took the dowel and wrapped it in many layers of black duck tape, then finished the top with brown electrical tape. I wrapped many more layers at the bottom for a handle. It was quite fun to make and turned out looking pretty good. He couldn’t find a red and yellow striped tie so he stuck with a red and used yellow tape to make stripes. He also made his Hogwarts patch by printing out the logo, laminating it and pinning it to his shirt.

This morning I helped him coat his hair in black spray, that stuff gets everywhere. I even found some when I went to blow my nose later (ew!) I also painted on his scar using red face paint and brown and beige eye shadow to make it less glaring.He ended up tying for 3rd place. When he got home that evening he had black dust everywhere. His face looked sooty and the back of his collar had collected a bunch as well. All in all I’d say we did a good job, especially since he waited until the last minute. I was just sorry that he didn’t have a robe, that would have been the perfect final touch. Oh well, next year!

(Sorry for the picture quality)

Life…

Life has been overwhelming lately. I have dealt with more in the last few months then I ever knew I could deal with. But once again I have come out stronger and grown. It is very easy to take for granted that I still have so much growing to do. Just when I think I have figured one thing out, something else hits me and I stumble. Really I would have it no other way because I am grateful for the chance to be better armed the next time something hits me hard. It is far too much to write down all at once so it will come in pieces.For the longest time I figured I had nothing to contribute to this journal, who would want to read the insignificant things I had to say? But I have learned in the last few months that sometimes all it takes is to know some other human being has gone through what you are suffering to make you feel a little less like a complete mess. So I will share my experiences in hopes that maybe I can help someone else as much as others have helped me through these difficult times.I haven’t been able to fully express myself. So much of it I have kept in, kept away from others, kept away from myself. How could others know me when I really didn’t know myself? Now I realize I want to live life to the fullest instead of merely existing in it.

I have much to add in retrospect so that I can remember some of the things that have happened in the last few months while I have been so silent. I find that the older I get the harder time I have recalling details or events. Needless to say, I need a little help.

Congratulations !!!

…to my little brother Matt and one of my good friends Jess. May your life be filled with joy always! It is so nice that my brother is marrying someone that I have gotten to know as a friend before they started dating. I’m glad you are going to be my sister.(What’s with this kid and pictures, must be his middle child-ness coming out. Oh well, gotta love him.)