Archive for November, 2007

The Dark Side of Me

This is a post that I have been working on for some time. Admitting that I was depressed was very difficult for me. In hindsight I don’t even know why because it definitely isn’t something to be embarrassed about. Everyone goes through depression at one point of their life or another. Anyone who says otherwise is, well, in denial.It was about May that I felt like I was losing control. I didn’t cry all of the time or stay in a dark room. My mind was constantly going, I would go over and over things in my head to the point of exhaustion. I was physically exhausted all the time. Work became overwhelming, being a “good” wife became overwhelming. I started to ignore all of my friends and family, I stopped talking honestly with my husband. Nobody could understand me, what was the point. I remember closing the door of my office several times to break down in tears hysterically, telling God that I just couldn’t handle it all and begging to please, please, please take me home. At some point I thought that maybe I needed to seek professional help, I still didn’t think I was depressed but finding a counselor to talk to couldn’t hurt me, right? The next step of trying to find someone to talk to while I wanted to crawl into the deepest and darkest hole was difficult to say the least. I shared with Rachel that I thought I needed help, he looked weary and told me if that was what I needed that he supported me. I felt he didn’t understand me at all.Some time during my search I received a phone call from a good friend that I hadn’t talked to in a while. My life had been so busy, hers had been busy, no excuse was a good excuse. She commented that something sounded very wrong with me. On the phone I had always tried to be pleasant and not give away that I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, but she could tell. So I spilled out everything that I was going through. She told me I sounded depressed and that she had gone through some rough times herself. It was this more than anything that convinced me I needed to get some help sooner than later.

I found a counselor and kept convincing myself that she would tell me that I was wasting her time, I was so nervous about it. I found the thought of sharing everything with a total stranger difficult. She was pleasant and asked me a few question, why I was there, what I wanted to accomplish, what was going on in my life. She then told me I physically looked depressed, my facial expression, my body language. She wanted me to take the Beck Inventory. I ended up scoring pretty high so she suggested that I make an appointment with my physician to discuss possible going on anti-depressants. I stomach sank, anti-depressants, I couldn’t take those.

I made the appointment anyway. I was slightly amused that when I called to make an appointment with my very popular doctor that she didn’t have available appointments until at least 2 months from then. They then asked the nature of my call and I told them. Obviously the D-word is a magic word as they quickly transferred me to one of her nurses who worked me in for 2 days hence.

I brought my Beck Inventory with me and she asked me what seemed like hundreds of questions about what was going on in my life and what brought me to her. I told her it was the recommendation of my counselor. She told me she was very happy that I was seeking counseling and not just a quick fix. Judging by my answers she decided I was suffering from anxiety and depression. She wanted to prescribe and anti-depressant that also works with anxiety, and she prescribed exercise. She wanted me to wear out my body as much as my mind was worn out so that I would be able to get good sleep. I told her I was weary of going on anti-depressants. She told me about all the side-effects and that I likely wouldn’t have to use it indefinitely. I left with my RX and cried the whole way home.

To be continued….

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The Art of Restraint

There have been few instances in my life where I have needed to use restraint. This evening was one of those times. Whenever I get home in the evenings, I park near my apartment on the edge of the complex and walk towards the center to get my mail. Tonight was no different.As I walked towards the steps leading to the hallway where the mailboxes are located, a car came barreling through the front gate apparently in pursuit of the handicapped loading zone that I was walking across. This “lovely individual” wanted to park her car there because she is too lazy to park a few feet away in a real space.I continued on and was pulling the last of my mail out when this “lovely individual” walked up and in all of her older, much wiser glory said, “Do you have any idea how close I came to hitting you just now, literally?” I glanced up at her a bit incredulously, glad my hands were occupied by mail and keys. I clamped down hard on my tongue because the first thing that came to mind was, “Do YOU realize how close I am to hitting you right now, literally?” I am definitely not violent, I would never even think of hitting someone else, tonight I came close. But I am also able to slay with my tongue. The next thing that popped into my head was, “Is the reason that you had to have the handicapped spot because you are blind?” It was growing dark outside but I wasn’t dressed in all black, in fact I had khaki pants on and was carrying a rather large white tote bag on my shoulder that was facing toward the gate.

At that point I figured there was nothing productive (or polite) that I could have said to her so I shut my mailbox, turned on my heal and walk right by her. As I round the corner I heard her murmur, “That’s right, keep on walking.” OOO mean things in me were fighting to come out but I just kept on walking. I realize that it isn’t very polite to ignore someone but in this case I had to bite my tongue like nobody’s business.

One consolation was that Brandon said he was proud of me for not rising and that he doesn’t know that he could have held his tongue. At least my husband loves me. 🙂

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All Saints Day

Song of the Saints

Tell the loved ones we are safe now.
Tell them we have no more pain.
Do not hurry heaven’s journey,
but do not fear it just the same.

All will go through times of grieving,
every tear must be released;
but live a tribute to our memory,
heal you pain with holy peace.

For our faith was never futile
as we trusted in the Lord;
every word now has been proven:
all we knew and even more.

Every promise Christ has given
through our voyage was proven true.
Christ prepared for us a mansion
and a mansion waits for you.

So do not faint from earthly challenge,
hold your faith and live it strong.
Years on earth are but a moment,
days in heaven go on and on.

Years on earth are but a moment,
days in heaven go on and on.

-Pepper Choplin 2002

I have sung this song twice now and think the message here is powerful and meaningful. I can’t hear this song or read these words without feeling great joy. Today I honor all of those who have gone before me. Some have touched my life directly, some indirectly, and some not at all. But every person has meaning somehow, someway while they are here on earth. They have all made a contribution no matter how great or how small. And I know they are all smiling down on us as they wait to welcome us home.

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