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Finally Free?

Yesterday was my last day at the place I have worked for the last 4 and 1/2 years. For most of that time I was pretty miserable, but obligations and duty called. This summer I paid off my student loans in 5 years instead of the scheduled 10, (YEA!!!!!!!!!!!) this gave me the opportunity I desperately needed to leave my job. I have had a rough year emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. I felt completely trapped in my job, like I couldn’t get out. Yes, I could look for work elsewhere but I also discovered I was in the wrong field and had no clue where I should look. Because I have a loving, supportive husband, because we have been financially responsible, because the Lord has looked upon us with favor, I have the rare opportunity to just spend time in rest and explore what life has to offer. While the unknown can sometimes be scary, it can also be exciting. My challenge is to break down the walls I have used to rule my life. Instead I need to replace my idiotic rules with, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind.” (Matthew 22:37) Everything else will follow in time. I am truly free.

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I Did It…

I Quit my job!!!!

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The Dark Side of Me

This is a post that I have been working on for some time. Admitting that I was depressed was very difficult for me. In hindsight I don’t even know why because it definitely isn’t something to be embarrassed about. Everyone goes through depression at one point of their life or another. Anyone who says otherwise is, well, in denial.It was about May that I felt like I was losing control. I didn’t cry all of the time or stay in a dark room. My mind was constantly going, I would go over and over things in my head to the point of exhaustion. I was physically exhausted all the time. Work became overwhelming, being a “good” wife became overwhelming. I started to ignore all of my friends and family, I stopped talking honestly with my husband. Nobody could understand me, what was the point. I remember closing the door of my office several times to break down in tears hysterically, telling God that I just couldn’t handle it all and begging to please, please, please take me home. At some point I thought that maybe I needed to seek professional help, I still didn’t think I was depressed but finding a counselor to talk to couldn’t hurt me, right? The next step of trying to find someone to talk to while I wanted to crawl into the deepest and darkest hole was difficult to say the least. I shared with Rachel that I thought I needed help, he looked weary and told me if that was what I needed that he supported me. I felt he didn’t understand me at all.Some time during my search I received a phone call from a good friend that I hadn’t talked to in a while. My life had been so busy, hers had been busy, no excuse was a good excuse. She commented that something sounded very wrong with me. On the phone I had always tried to be pleasant and not give away that I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, but she could tell. So I spilled out everything that I was going through. She told me I sounded depressed and that she had gone through some rough times herself. It was this more than anything that convinced me I needed to get some help sooner than later.

I found a counselor and kept convincing myself that she would tell me that I was wasting her time, I was so nervous about it. I found the thought of sharing everything with a total stranger difficult. She was pleasant and asked me a few question, why I was there, what I wanted to accomplish, what was going on in my life. She then told me I physically looked depressed, my facial expression, my body language. She wanted me to take the Beck Inventory. I ended up scoring pretty high so she suggested that I make an appointment with my physician to discuss possible going on anti-depressants. I stomach sank, anti-depressants, I couldn’t take those.

I made the appointment anyway. I was slightly amused that when I called to make an appointment with my very popular doctor that she didn’t have available appointments until at least 2 months from then. They then asked the nature of my call and I told them. Obviously the D-word is a magic word as they quickly transferred me to one of her nurses who worked me in for 2 days hence.

I brought my Beck Inventory with me and she asked me what seemed like hundreds of questions about what was going on in my life and what brought me to her. I told her it was the recommendation of my counselor. She told me she was very happy that I was seeking counseling and not just a quick fix. Judging by my answers she decided I was suffering from anxiety and depression. She wanted to prescribe and anti-depressant that also works with anxiety, and she prescribed exercise. She wanted me to wear out my body as much as my mind was worn out so that I would be able to get good sleep. I told her I was weary of going on anti-depressants. She told me about all the side-effects and that I likely wouldn’t have to use it indefinitely. I left with my RX and cried the whole way home.

To be continued….

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Life…

Life has been overwhelming lately. I have dealt with more in the last few months then I ever knew I could deal with. But once again I have come out stronger and grown. It is very easy to take for granted that I still have so much growing to do. Just when I think I have figured one thing out, something else hits me and I stumble. Really I would have it no other way because I am grateful for the chance to be better armed the next time something hits me hard. It is far too much to write down all at once so it will come in pieces.For the longest time I figured I had nothing to contribute to this journal, who would want to read the insignificant things I had to say? But I have learned in the last few months that sometimes all it takes is to know some other human being has gone through what you are suffering to make you feel a little less like a complete mess. So I will share my experiences in hopes that maybe I can help someone else as much as others have helped me through these difficult times.I haven’t been able to fully express myself. So much of it I have kept in, kept away from others, kept away from myself. How could others know me when I really didn’t know myself? Now I realize I want to live life to the fullest instead of merely existing in it.

I have much to add in retrospect so that I can remember some of the things that have happened in the last few months while I have been so silent. I find that the older I get the harder time I have recalling details or events. Needless to say, I need a little help.

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Topsy-Turvy

I have been thrown for a loop. My work world has been turned upside-down and inside-out. I have wanted to throw tantrums, tear my hair out, chuck my computer out the window, and get up and walk out among other things. My partner in crime abandoned me to the wolves. She was tired of the abuse by our super-star, micromanaging boss (who is in one of our other offices in a totally different state; great for communications and all) and accepted a much better offer from what sounds like a much better company. I wish her all the good wishes in the world and have nothing against her except one thing: she didn’t take me with her. (Though she did some fishing to see if there could be a position for me there, mighty nice of her, I should say.) Now it remains to see the fallout from the little bomb she dropped right before she left. There has been a lot of scrambling to cover some high-up butts which has been THE only entertaining thing about it.It’s hard to believe this only happened about a week ago. Already I have been uprooted and moved to a different location, assured by the president that I’m not going anywhere, and given vague details by one of the VP’s about a new project he wants me take on. I have been a little stressed out to say the least. I’m beginning to wonder if I want to stay with the company at all after all of the mess. All I can think of wanting to do is find some remote island and curl up and go to sleep for at least 3 weeks and then maybe come back to the real world. Sometimes being a grown up is just no fun, why can’t we just throw a temper tantrum, I want to know.

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I’m Back!!

So this post reveals that I am still alive! I never doubted for a second that I wouldn’t be. My surgery was at 8 am Friday and I was headed home at 2 pm. I had a little trouble adjusting to being upright afterword but every day I feel better. Part of the procedure was to fill my abdomen with carbon dioxide so the scope would have an easier view. An added “bonus” is that some of the gas is still trapped inside, which is more painful then the actual incisions. The verdict is that I do have endometriosis. It was caught early on and there wasn’t all that much to remove. Either I am a huge wimp or the endo found on a ligament was causing a lot of pain. I will go back to the doctor in 2 weeks to discuss the treatment options and to review the “awesome” pictures of my insides. I am grateful for the outcome; grateful to know what has been bothering me and thankful that it doesn’t seem to be severe.

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Under the Knife

I spent the entire morning getting informed about my procedures and signing consent forms. I feel as if I signed my life away. My head is spinning from all of the information I have to process. I found out that I will have additional procedures completed as well as the laparoscopy. It will last anywhere from an hour and a half to three hours depending on what they mightl find. So I should be able to go home by 2 pm tomorrow which will be nice, I have never been in a hospital bed before but I know I would much prefer my soft, cushy bed with my husband and my cute ball of fluff. And the doctor says I am allowed to go back to work on Monday if I feel up to it, though I am not allowed to do any heavy lifting for 2 weeks. It isn’t that I absolutely love work and can’t stay away, I would just fear the state of my inbox if I was away for too long. I am the only designer so if I’m not there to do the work, no one will do it. I’m trying not to be nervous or think about it too much, but of course that is more easily said then done. I trust that the Lord will watch over me and make sure I am safe. Wish me luck, I am otherwise healthy so I hope to be back up and running in no time.

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