Posts Tagged ‘Life’

Finally Free?

Yesterday was my last day at the place I have worked for the last 4 and 1/2 years. For most of that time I was pretty miserable, but obligations and duty called. This summer I paid off my student loans in 5 years instead of the scheduled 10, (YEA!!!!!!!!!!!) this gave me the opportunity I desperately needed to leave my job. I have had a rough year emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. I felt completely trapped in my job, like I couldn’t get out. Yes, I could look for work elsewhere but I also discovered I was in the wrong field and had no clue where I should look. Because I have a loving, supportive husband, because we have been financially responsible, because the Lord has looked upon us with favor, I have the rare opportunity to just spend time in rest and explore what life has to offer. While the unknown can sometimes be scary, it can also be exciting. My challenge is to break down the walls I have used to rule my life. Instead I need to replace my idiotic rules with, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind.” (Matthew 22:37) Everything else will follow in time. I am truly free.

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All Saints Day

Song of the Saints

Tell the loved ones we are safe now.
Tell them we have no more pain.
Do not hurry heaven’s journey,
but do not fear it just the same.

All will go through times of grieving,
every tear must be released;
but live a tribute to our memory,
heal you pain with holy peace.

For our faith was never futile
as we trusted in the Lord;
every word now has been proven:
all we knew and even more.

Every promise Christ has given
through our voyage was proven true.
Christ prepared for us a mansion
and a mansion waits for you.

So do not faint from earthly challenge,
hold your faith and live it strong.
Years on earth are but a moment,
days in heaven go on and on.

Years on earth are but a moment,
days in heaven go on and on.

-Pepper Choplin 2002

I have sung this song twice now and think the message here is powerful and meaningful. I can’t hear this song or read these words without feeling great joy. Today I honor all of those who have gone before me. Some have touched my life directly, some indirectly, and some not at all. But every person has meaning somehow, someway while they are here on earth. They have all made a contribution no matter how great or how small. And I know they are all smiling down on us as they wait to welcome us home.

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Life has been overwhelming lately. I have dealt with more in the last few months then I ever knew I could deal with. But once again I have come out stronger and grown. It is very easy to take for granted that I still have so much growing to do. Just when I think I have figured one thing out, something else hits me and I stumble. Really I would have it no other way because I am grateful for the chance to be better armed the next time something hits me hard. It is far too much to write down all at once so it will come in pieces.For the longest time I figured I had nothing to contribute to this journal, who would want to read the insignificant things I had to say? But I have learned in the last few months that sometimes all it takes is to know some other human being has gone through what you are suffering to make you feel a little less like a complete mess. So I will share my experiences in hopes that maybe I can help someone else as much as others have helped me through these difficult times.I haven’t been able to fully express myself. So much of it I have kept in, kept away from others, kept away from myself. How could others know me when I really didn’t know myself? Now I realize I want to live life to the fullest instead of merely existing in it.

I have much to add in retrospect so that I can remember some of the things that have happened in the last few months while I have been so silent. I find that the older I get the harder time I have recalling details or events. Needless to say, I need a little help.

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Love vs. Sentimentality

Sentimentality is sugar-coating the truth to spare a person’s feelings. It is about feeling good right this minute. It is about delaying facing reality. Love is being able to tell someone the truth even though you know you will hurt them.  It isn’t always easy but in the end it is always worth it. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.” -1 Corinthians 13:4-7

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Our Wild Ride

Ten years ago I was a senior in high school. I had sworn off dating until college because the high school guys I dated were “like” so immature. I figured I didn’t have much time left and college guys would be so much more mature. (I’m rolling my eyes right now, how stupid was I?) I was having the time of my life though, senior year was so much fun. And the anticipation of what was to come was exciting.I had met Brandon our junior year when our class was punished for talking. As a punishment our teacher sat us in alphabetical order. I sat directly in front of Brandon who at his first opportunity decided to tease me. (They never change, do they?) We became fast friends as we were “kindred spirits.” He would steal (borrow) books from my locker and leave funny notes in the pages. We didn’t really become friends outside of school until that summer when he wrote me letters while I was away and talked on the phone. I soon became interested in him but the timing wasn’t right as he was chasing some other girl. And of course he always wanted girl advice from me. So I was patient.Fast forward to senior year, around new year’s he called to get more girl advice. The girl he had been seeing dumped him and he wondered what he should do. As I did a silent happy dance I gave him good (unbiased) advice telling him to move on. 😉 I then waited a good bit as I wrestled with the idea of dating him. I didn’t want to lose his friendship because it was a special bond, but at the same time I just kept thinking, “What if?” I finally decided that it was senior year and he we worth the risk. So I spent the time around his birthday and Valentine’s day trying to devise clever ways to let him know. It took writing him a blunt note so all my creative ventures were all for naught.So, ten years ago today I was standing in line at the movies with a big group of friends waiting to get in to see The Empire Strikes Back. We decided to go with a bunch of friends on our first date to make things a bit more comfortable. We had a great time together, holding hands, being silly teenagers. I remember the ride home was interesting because we had to drop a friend off first. When he got me home we did the uncomfortable, awkward first date thing. I knew he was a keeper that first date despite the awkwardness. And he must have thought the same thing because he decided to stick around.We have had a wild ride in these past ten years. We finished high school together. We spent the first year of college apart, I joined him a year later. I finished college first and moved away. He proposed just before he graduated a year later. The economy was not so good and job hunting was a real challenge but we decided to not put off getting married. Our first year of marriage was the biggest challenge I have ever faced but we made it through even stronger than before. We have been tested in the “sickness” vow of our marriage. We have laughed and we have cried. And through it all we have had a blast.These ten years have been such a blessing. To be able to grow and change together has been so much fun. I am truly grateful and blessed to have a wonderful husband like Brandon in my life. It is so much fun to be married to my best friend. He takes care of me the countless times I don’t feel well and when I am feeling down. He puts up with my sometimes incessant chatter. He truly loves me for who I am. Even though I’m not perfect, he treats me as if I were. Thank you for these 10 years Brandon, I love you and I look forward to 10 times 10 more.

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What is Happening?

This week hasn’t been a particularly good one. After suffering a “Jonah Day” on Monday, things have improved but only slightly. Monday was one of those days when I felt absolutely rotten and just couldn’t do anything right. I was making mistakes at work left and right and of course when I find the slightest mistake, the perfectionist in me has to change it until it is right. So everything took me about three times as long to do. Needless to say, I was in a horrible mood. I wanted to start over many times but kept reminding myself that “tomorrow is another day.”Tuesday, I was much better in spirits. My problems that day actually began on evil Monday. The vision in my right eye was slightly blurred and I was seeing halos around light which is scary. I decided to forgo the contacts for the day and wear the dreaded glasses that make me look like such a nerd. 🙂 I had to take an hour an a half from work to visit the eye doctor who seemed quite perplexed as to the reason for the corneal edema (swelling) he found in my eye. So I was told to skip the contacts until my vision improves, call if my vision gets worse, or else come back in a week. My grandmother is legally blind due to complications from type I diabetes and I am reminded on a weekly basis how her life is impaired by vision loss so I take eye health very seriously.And here we are on Wednesday. I am glad to say that my vision has improved slightly though I am still not seeing 20/20 in that eye. Today it seems nothing intelligent can come out of my mouth. Perhaps I should take a vow of silence, I’m sure Brandon wouldn’t mind that at all. Also the “scatter-brainedness” from Monday hasn’t gone away. I’m not used to this! I want my brain to go back to how is always is.

I know that in the grand scheme of things most of these problems are small potatos, but I am glad to have this outlet of sorts. And I take solace in the fact that “tomorrow is another day.”

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